It takes a spot of courage to stand up tall and a bit of derring-do to rise when you fall

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Whining For Dummies

Well, it's another one of those days. You know the kind I mean. When you just don't feel on top of things....There was nothing wrong with the day itself. It was a gorgeous, sunny, even warm day. Everywhere else in the country, it seems, people are dealing with terrible cold, snow, storms, ice---just the worse sort of weather. And we enjoyed a glorious day. Can't complain in that department; no doubt about it. Gold stars there.

But there's something about having to get up before 6:00 on a Saturday that just kind of throws the day off. My oldest son had an all-day wrestling meet and had to be at his school by 6:30. By the time I got home, it took me awhile to fall asleep again. It felt like I'd only been asleep for five minutes when the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of workmen for the kitchen. Yes, the remodel project that will not die. Over the course of the next two hours while I tried to be slothful, I had only mild success; I kept hearing staccato bursts of laughter and muffled conversation which intertwined with my semi-wakeful dreams and made it seem like only a form of sleep----not quite there but hovering in the vicinity. Soon thereafter the phone rang and I abandoned my pathetic attempts to sleep.

So....not the most promising start. Not bad---it's a beautiful day, remember---but not what it could have been. Next it happens that today I had occasion to see my husband's ex-girlfriend. She was at a gathering where we were, which happens a couple times a year, I guess---this matter of our paths crossing. The history goes something like this: she was first his good friend, then serious girlfriend, then ex-girlfriend for the various and sundry reasons that exes happen. I like X a lot and think she's great which makes it hard to hate her because she's beautiful. And has a great body. And is fabulously successful. Hmmm. Finding it hard to measure up here! Wondering how if I can see all the obvious discrepencies, my husband isn't going to. I teased him about it and he said all the right things, and I even believe him because that's the kind of guy he is. But it doesn't stop me from comparing myself to her and finding myself utterly deficient. Doesn't stem the tide of feelings that spill out from sloppily closed boxes which sit behind not-quite-shut doors. Their labels read like this: Blobby. Ineffective. Mediocre. Blah. Unfinished. Miscellaneous Baggage. The list is quite long; I don't want to overly bore you. You get the idea.

And then I come home to a house in which every single room is bordering on disaster. When did this happen? It seems to happen in a single day---from okay to the aftereffects of tornado in a single day. Not even a clean towel to be found. Why is keeping up so hard??? Fill in all the curse words you want here. It's the appropriate time.

After making a few pathetic attempt to clean, I realize I'm too tired. Seeing Miss Perfect (who, by the way, is happily married to a great guy and has two adorable kids) on too-little sleep was just too much. And, if you remember, I awoke before six. On a Saturday, no less.

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.


Blogger DDM said...

Do I have a story for you! I'll give you the short version, then I'll post about it on my site in a few days. My high school sweetheart and his wife of almost 2 years invited my husband and I to their home last month for dinner. The first friendly experience we've had with my ex in almost 10 years, because....I'm a heartbreaker and he and my husband fought over me. What can I say? KIDDING! But seriously, they weren't friendly. Now, they are, through a series of efforts on my part. ANYWAY.....we pulled up to their MANSION, 5,000 square feet. Brand new. Gourmet kitchen. She has a CRAFT ROOM. CRAFT ROOM!!!! She cooks gourmet meals and served home made creme brulee that was to die for. We drug home to our humble abode feeling like pure crap.

11:51 PM, December 10, 2005

Blogger heatherfeather said...

only worse than exes of current significant others, is current significant others of exes...

especially when they're six feet tall, size 4, have black hair and blue eyes, are intensely well-read, and speak 3 more languages than you.

(wow - that was like 4 years ago, they've since broken up and i guess i'm still not over it)

12:10 AM, December 11, 2005

Blogger bryan torre said...

forget the exes. 5000 sq ft does not a happy or worthy person make. and jay are, here are some facts:

- i know you and your best sort of boy in real life

- i know your boy's ex, too

- your boy and miss X are both great people, but were not right for each other

- you and your boy, while i know you have issues like any couple, ARE right for each other. you're different in many ways (right off the bat, you're mars & venus), but you're a fit, a match.

- blobby, ineffective, blah, baggage, etc: even if true would not rank high in importance for your boy.

- things like flowers or cards or little gifts or whatever can be so meaningful to a woman (most of us don't give a rat's pizazz about that stuff, and it amazes us that women do). just as men have trouble getting their heads around the flowers thing, women have trouble believing the following, but it's true:
for many men, you can make up for any deficiency -- real or imagined -- in intelligence, success, mood, having-it-together-ness, blahness, beauty, or booty, with two simple things: affection and appreciation. make us feel appreciated, and we'll do all kinds of things for you and feel like it's a privilege to do so. Give us hugs and kisses, touch our arm in the hallway, put your hand on our chest when you talk to us, hold our hand, run your fingers thru our hair, etc -- and we'll feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have found such a wonderful wife. Trust me on this. (Not every guy is like this, but many many are, and I'm willing to bet your boy is one of them.)
I'm guessing this isn't news to you, and that you already do this, but just thot I'd remind you that your doing it guarantees that miss X is a distant memory with no attration power whatsoever.

12:32 AM, December 11, 2005

Blogger mreddie said...

Well said Bryan!! There is an old song - most of the ones I know are - that says "Mama said there'd be days like this". ec

6:47 AM, December 11, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

bryan, I hear what you're saying, and I believe you. but aren't we girls funny creatures---like heatherfeather there: still years after and the threads of size 4 still have power. and I believe you, too, that 5000 square feet do not a happy person make but like ddm, it makes you momentarily reevaluate your humble abode and wrongly, for a moment, assume that equals your value. As if there was anything wrong at all with the more humble abode where wonderful memories and happy times have happened. sigh. but yes, my boy is like you and the signs of affection and love are worth more than size 4 and 15 languages. If I could only learn THAT language better...I will I will.....
I hope Mama said this day'd be better :)

10:12 AM, December 11, 2005

Blogger heatherfeather said...

just for the record, bryan, i don't want candy and flowers (REALLY don't want flowers) and a big house or even a moderate amount of money... never have... i just want what you want - affection and appreciation. i give it like it's going out of style, but i just want to know you care too.

there's no need to kill a plant that i can't have in the house anyway for the sneezings in the process.

11:56 AM, December 11, 2005

Anonymous si said...

jay are: as bryan said, forget all of those horrible boxes and their labels. you are (at least you seem to me) very caring, giving, intelligent, witty and have a good "sense" about you (i *get* what you say).

it sounds like your boy also *gets* you. you're very lucky. just remember those attentive things that bryan mentioned and i don't believe that you need to worry. (i know it's easy for me to *say* these things -- it's harder to make these thoughts/affirmations part of us so that we really believe them.)

1:01 PM, December 11, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

well, I'm not good at those attentive things unfortunately
because I was born in a cube of ice, grew up encased in ice and figured that was sufficient. I know logically it isn't but forcing hands and arms and heart through age-thick ice is trying at best and sometimes I forget to keep trying.
I was raised with the subconscious (? is this the word I want?) and unintentional message sent that money means you're important and worthy. Logically, again, I know this to be not true but undoing the colors with which I was drawn is easier to know than to do.
and I'm like you a bit, h-f, in the flowers and candy department (purses will do, thank you :)). It's the thought that moves and sways me.

1:39 PM, December 11, 2005

Blogger Kylee said...

mmmm...way outsider here but..they are ex's for a reason and most of us women are much harder on ourselves then any true loving mate could be.

8:43 PM, December 11, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

I think you're right about that, kylee....somehow we can get sidetracked and so focused on what makes us insecure. Ugh.

8:55 PM, December 11, 2005

Blogger Crystal said...

ooo. i know that feeling. i will have a post relating to the ex-girlfriend suitcase shrine from one of my past relationships.

however, you have to remember that you are your own worst critic and that you are way hotter than X and way funnier and way better at cooking and that's why your husband is with you.

10:02 AM, December 12, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

good points all around! :)

11:41 AM, December 12, 2005

Anonymous Anonymous said...

.....How does your husband feel about your exes??

11:58 AM, December 12, 2005

Blogger No_Newz said...

I'm glad hubby was reasuring. I hope one day you see yourself through his eyes.
Lois Lane

12:05 PM, December 12, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

My exes? Do men compare themselves to the exes like women do? Or is it just a girl thing?

3:06 PM, December 12, 2005

Blogger bryan torre said...

some of us do. compare ourselves to our partner's exes, that is.
mainly, we want to believe that we are the best (if not the biggest) you've ever had in the bedroom. and also that you're glad you're with us and not pining for Mr Ex.

9:52 AM, December 13, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

well, then I guess we're all the same in some ways after all.

10:10 AM, December 13, 2005


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