It takes a spot of courage to stand up tall and a bit of derring-do to rise when you fall

Monday, October 10, 2005

Armchair Therapy

Some time ago my good friend, Amy, asked me a question that I've never forgotten and have thought about many times since. We had been talking about characteristics in ourselves that we didn't like so well, things about our life that were frustrating. And she asked me: Do you believe some things are inevitable? That question was an epiphany for me. I realized that I did indeed live with the subconscious---and maybe even sometimes conscious---belief that some things in my life are just inevitable, rather than a result and consequence of choices made. Among the inevitable things: I will fail. That's probably the highest-ranking inevitability I believe in, that I will fail at whatever I try. Now that I am conscious that this is a false belief, it helps me to change the language my brain tells myself. But it's incredibly hard to change a lifetime of believing--of feeling--it's inevitable that I will ultimately fail at whatever I try. The reason for this damaging negative message I send myself and have sent myself for decades is a whole other complicated story---how the pieces all fit together is rarely a simple equation. Life is messy.

Among the other inevitabilities: I will never lose the weight I want or get into the shape I want; I will never conquer the traits in myself that are ugly---they'll just stay the same or get worse, no matter what I do; I will never be the kind of parent I want to be; I won't ever finish any important project; I will never be organized........Well, the list goes on and on as you can see---these things that just seem inevitable to me because I believe them to be. Deep down, my belief system is set to these "truths". You may wonder how I even function with such a negative soundtrack, but I do. Just not very positively. Or successfully. Now that I can see the fault isn't in these things actually being inevitable but in my believing them to be so, I realize I have the power to change them. At my very own hands, I can choose in such a way that the outcome of this road I'm on can be completely turned around. It really can happen---it isn't just a nice thought.

Now comes the hard part: doing it. Believing that I can. Believing that I will.


Blogger blogball said...

Jay Are, I enjoy your blog thoughts
I wonder if when we think something is inevitable it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We have blueprinted our self’s for that particular destiny.
People will tell you it takes a life style change in order to overcome this or improve on that. When I hear that my brain goes on defense mode and I think to myself well gee I do like quite a bit of things about my life. Does that mean I will have to change jeopardize those things as well? (Including always knowing there is room for improvement) And what’s the big deal about being all thin and organized? There won’t be that thrill I get when I find something right away on my desk in-between the 4 stacks of papers. I tend to throw out the baby with the bath water at this point and do absolutely nothing to improve myself. Then I go back to being my inevitable self over and over again.
This does not mean I won’t try again to improve myself.

12:51 PM, October 12, 2005

Blogger jay are said...

If we think something is inevitable it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: dead on. So the trick is to think that only good things about life and about ourselves are inevitable. It's a nice idea but sure isn't so easy to believe, deep down. And, like you said, there is something about the thrill of finding what you need buried somewhere it isn't supposed to be! :) Wouldn't want to deprive ourselves of that pleasure!

7:34 AM, October 13, 2005


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